May 19, 2011

Inadequacy

I debated on posting this, but Life with the Gemelos convinced me!  Thank you!

I need to pour out some good ole emotion for a minute.   This post is not well thought out, and it is probably going to be all over the place.  Good luck.

Strongblonde, Thank you for the award! I will pass that along shortly!

Lost in Space, google IS eating things.  I saw your comment and then it was gone!!  Dammit!  Thank you for leaving another one.  :) 

St. Elsewhere, when I read the words on a previous comment, "I would have gone back to jar food too."  I cried.  Not kidding.  Thank you for saying such a thing!  :)


Since being home, I have feelings of severe inadequacy.  From the time I get the girls up in the morning to the time they go to bed.   I feel like I am always disappointing one of them.  Who do I pick up first in the morning to change diapers?  The other one will always cry.  A "how could you" cry.  Who's shoes do I put on first?  Who do I take out of their car seat first?  And on and on.  It seems like every decision of every day leads to one or the other baby being upset at me. 

Sure, it only lasts a few minutes, even a few seconds.  But after all day?  I am exhausted and inadequate and an overall terrible mommy.  At least that is what I feel. 

It feels like there is never a peaceful moment between the three of us.  My mother in law, who just had a vacation, told me about a little boy younger than the girls who was on the plane with them that was perfectly content for the three and a half hour trip.  My immediate response was, "They are so LUCKY!"  I feel jealous of people who have content children, as it seems like if one of mine is content, the other surely is not. 

And then, after the whole table food incident last week?  I was at my limit.  I desperately needed to hear reassurance, that I never got.  Not even from Jeff.  He eluded to the fact that "I jumped in with both feet and that never works."  Oh.  Thanks for the tip.  And so, this week, I am super gun shy as I am preparing to go wake the girls up for the day.

So, off I go.

UPDATE:  I feel mucho, mucho better.  Life with the Gemelos, you are right, and I appreciate your comment.  We are on a better schedule this week and it has been a good week. 

May 18, 2011

Say What?

The girls have been talking more lately.  I was worried, as it seems I am for every milestone, that they would never talk!  The ped assured me that they were doing fine and that they were probably talking in "twin language" that would evolve to something that I could understand with time.  ;) 

Mickie is very good at signing.  She signs everything she wants or needs and then always takes extra to give to Maddie.  She'll sign 'water' and I give her a sippy cup.  She holds her hand out for Maddie's, so I give it to her too, and she takes it to her sister.  She does the same with crackers, blankets, toys, etc.  It's like, "if I need/want water, so does sissy."  Maddie signs a lot too, but I think she likes to be heard. 

Maddie walked into the bathroom, day before yesterday, while I was drying my hair and said, "sister go?"  I said, "she's in my room."  She replied, "k." and went into my room to find her. 

Then, I was feeding them cereal with milk (which they aren't too sure about it being in milk yet) and when Maddie had all she wanted, she said, "all gone."  I said, "no, there is still some here.  Do you want some more?"  She said, "all done."  and did the sign too.  All the while Mickie was signing 'more.'  They have also learned how to say 'more' along with the sign.  Perhaps it's more effective that way?  haha.

Mickie says dog in the.cutest.way.  It's pronounced with a long "o" like, "doge"  I haven't tired of hearing it yet and she says it all the time!! 

I think Maddie is trying to say bird, but it sounds nothing like bird!! lol.  She points to a bird and gets all excited and says, "Shhtow."  That's her word.  I'm laughing as I type this.

They have really laid on the loving lately too.  Maddie wraps her arms around my neck and smiles and presses her mouth to mine and makes a 'mmmmm' noise.  Me = puddle.

I ask for a hug from Mickie and she shyly comes over and wraps her arms around my neck and gives me a big hug.  And when I tuck them in at night, Mickie will sit up and wait for me to come over and hug her, then lay down and 'pet' her blanket. 

Yesterday, I caught the girls giving each other a full blown hug.  It was adorable, but when they realized I had witnessed the act, they pushed each other away and went about playing in the yard!  I wasn't fast enough with the camera.

May 17, 2011

Drama: A History, Part 4 - Final Installment

Initially, when the decision was made to shut down the business, I felt like my parents were waiting for me to come up with some great idea in order to save it.  Then mom bluntly stated several times that she was ready for it to be over.  That dad shouldn't waste his time going from bank to bank or consider another partner or anything to make it work.  She was all for shutting down and moving on... It didn't register though... She was in denial.  Big time.

Things began dragging on.  Mom and dad told me they didn't feel comfortable with MIL there anymore, so I told her that I would bring the girls to her house from now on, but she said she would just come to my house once a week.  (This I allowed because my MIL really isn't the problem, although she can be difficult to deal with, the real problem is with my mom and sister).  She said that it was a relief because planning the lunches and feeding everyone (which I never asked her to do in the first place), was overwhelming and now she could just concentrate on the girls.  Amen.

My mom then got jealous because MIL got to come out to my house and that would be heaven for my mom.. to come out to my house and have free rein, inviting sister over, and destroying the place while I am at work.... I don't think so.  She remained jealous because I insisted that the girls still come to the office with me, hence she had to come too.  (although, clearly it's a double edged sword).  This back and forth volley continued until the beginning of May, when I went down to two days a week. 

All the while, sister and mom would stir the pot almost everyday.  There were times when mom would just break down crying because her life is "being sold at auction" or "what are we going to do with the plants???"  or "who's going to take this bookshelf??? I just don't know who will take this bookshelf!?"  She would want to know who was on the phone every time it rang or tell dad, "so and so is here" but really it was someone totally different and she didn't know who it was.   Her cell phone would ring off the hook, my sister calling, and she would take it outside as if it was all a big secret.

The emotional roller coaster with dad was hard too.  Someone would do something nice for him, like write off a remainder of debt, or let him use equipment free of charge and he would cry.  That was extremely hard.  Then mom would, somehow, make it all about her. 

Sister decided that she would start doing her 'work from home job' at the office (translated: they didn't pay their internet bill and it got turned off) so she would come by with the boys every chance she got.  And it was total chaos.  The boys would tear through the office, jumping off desks, slamming doors, using the intercom on the phones, making a mess of the kitchen and so forth.  There were a couple of times when I loaded up the girls and left.... Left for an hour or two.  I would get back and everyone would be all pissy because I left.  They knew full well why I left, but I was the bad guy for actually leaving. 

I kept telling Jeff that it was just a little while longer.  That I was only hanging on to get a paycheck, but even I started to doubt those words.  I also had a different motive:  I wanted to see if BIL was going to PAY FOR THE CAR that I offered to buy and dad refused.  The car that got ripped out from under me to give to him.  The car that was kept nice and clean when I had it that now reeked of cigarette and is completely trashed.  That car.  Dad low balled it and told BIL that he would take $5000 for it.  This was back in January.   I waited patiently.  One by one most everyone found a job.  One by one, they all dropped like flies. 

In the middle of April, BIL got offered another job to start in the beginning of May.  And, let me just add, that there were some weeks that dad didn't take home a paycheck.  He barely had enough to keep the utilities on, BUT you better believe that BIL never.ever.missed his paycheck.  And even though we didn't have the money sometimes, I would always take one too.  Of course, my check was lucky to be a third of the amount his was. 

So, one day in April, I went in and was more making conversation than anything and asked mom, did we get any money in? (you know because she knew the ins and outs of the entire business) and she replied, "well, I know BIL gave your dad money for the car."  I went immediately to my computer and saw a deposit for $2400.  Yep.  It's not $5000, but at least it's something!  As if knowing that I would question the amount, my mom came into my office and said to me out of the blue, "I guess he is going to make payments for the rest."  YEAH. RIGHT.  I think we all know the truth there. 

Then dad comes to me a couple of days later and says, "so how are we looking?  Are you pretty much done with financials?"  I said yes.  He says, "well then we'll see how the next week goes and go from there." 

Translation:  You're done.  Within the next week, I was down to two days a week.  Believe me, it's fine by me, but it's the abruptness of it all.  He did the same thing when I was pregnant.  When the breeze blows, he goes with it and you just have to be ready.  Well, I was.  I knew from experience and I was ready. 

So my MIL is still coming once a week and I told my mom that she could watch the girls once a week covering the two days that I go into the office.  Of course, the dramatically reduced baby time for my mom and the reality that the we were going out of business was enough to send her straight to the doctor for anti depressants.   Which, she constantly talk about.  I think medicine is a wonderful thing, as Jeff is on some, but to tell everyone all the time is just drama.  But let me be frank: That's her problem.  Dropping the girls off for a couple of hours and not having to actually talk much to her is totally do-able. 

I am happy.  And if you could see me making the gesture to close a book, I am. This chapter in my life is closed and I am onto a great one, I am sure.

May 13, 2011

Commercial break

So, before what I hope to be my last post about the drama (and some things have transpired in just the last week, you gals are going to love!), I want to take a short commercial break and post about all sorts of things.

•For a while, Mother's day to me, meant having to put up with my mother. Last year's day was a nightmare because of family drama which included everyone being pissed at us because we wouldn't let them hold the girls continually because every one was sick and blah blah de blah. I don't want to relive it. This year's Mother's day was totally awesome. I will write more later, with pictures, but I have so much to say, I am going to move on. For now.

•I have chosen to beat my head against the wall for the past four days as I decided that the girls needed to be on table food right now. Let me back up by saying that I know that they are "too old" to be on jar food. I get stared at and asked a million questions when I buy jar food for them. The cashier's almost always say in a judging voice, "how old are they?" BUT in my defense, it's convenient. I am a stay at home working mom. (at least I was). Meaning, I had the girls with me all the time, but worked. It's easy to whip out a jar of baby food and give it to them. So, now that I have been home (I go into the office every wed and fri. It's blissful to be free. More on that in "drama: a history, part 4") I thought it was time to transition them. To make a long four days short-the girls didn't respond well to me just giving them finger foods and 'regular' foods. And after four days of screaming and a mashed potato food fight this after noon, I gave in and fed them jar food again. Bottom line is that I have to come up with a different method. Suggestions would be great. hint hint. :)

•My ex-boyfriend and his wife just had a baby today (ex, meaning: 14 years ago. It was one of those relationships that was hard to let go of. We re-united as friends about 4 years back). He texted me with the news. Yes, I am happy for him. I mean them. Yes, it stings quite a bit to know that they got pregnant so easily and planned it around her teaching schedule and it worked out beautifully. Yes, I wonder if it would have been that easy if I had ended up with him. Yes, infertility sucks ass. No. I wouldn't trade my hubby or my girls for the world. I just wonder, that's all.

•I work harder now, at home, than when I was working. I love it, though. The girls are, aside from the transition to table food week of hell, incredible. I am so lucky to be their mamma.

•I have lost 4 pounds since I haven't been going into the office on a regular basis. I attribute it to a)being happy. b) not being around people that eat junk all the time. c) trying to give the girls proper nutrition, therefore giving the same to myself.

•I had my first gig last weekend (check http://www.chellstrings.com/ for more info), and it was great! I love playing and I got some leads to more gigs. Hopefully, I can get more. :)

May 3, 2011

Drama: A History Part 3

First, let me just say that you gals make me laugh!  I really wanted to document this 'chapter' in my life and didn't even think that anyone would be interested to hear about it or read it!  I am glad that you do, however, and comment because it makes it a lot easier on me to continue to post about it. 

Second, I want to back up a bit and add a couple of details.  When I went on bed rest at 24 weeks, my dad cut my paycheck the very next week.  We had originally agreed that I would get a full check through the rest of the month (it was August 4th that I went on bed rest) as maternity leave/pay.  But I guess he was pissed that I left and that I was going to stay at home after the girls were born.  Even though I had been trying to prepare him for that very thing for the last six months.  It was our accountant at the time who gave me half a paycheck and she, bless her heart, told me that she would just keep giving me half paychecks until he stopped signing them!  It lasted 6 weeks.  The thing is-it's not like I planned on being on bed rest at 24 weeks.  He acted like I did it on purpose.  Now, since I left, he needed an estimator.  And who better than my brother in law. And while we're at it, let's give him $10,000 more a year to do the exact.same.job that I was doing.  Yes.  You read that correctly.  I didn't add too many zeros.  Also, that car I was driving?  Gone.  BIL needed it.  I offered to buy it and dad wouldn't even entertain the idea.  (this comes into play later in the story, so remember this.  I do.)  The cell phone?  Gone.  I was dropped like a hot potato.

Also, when the girls were in the NICU, my mom's top priority was to get them out of there.  She kept telling me to 'go and get them' and that 'they didn't need to be in there'.  I was still on magnesium sulfate and couldn't even have the lights or tv on... let alone get out of bed to go break my girls out of the NICU!  (not that I wanted to.  I love the NICU nurses.)  The point being that instead of saying to me, "you need to heal.  Don't worry about the girls, they will be fine."  She didn't give two shits about me, all she wanted was to see the babies. 

Now, back to the continuation of the drama.  I was going to try to make it a trilogy, but I don't know if I will fit it all into this last post!

So, dad agreed that I could bring the girls to work and I started bringing car loads of gear to the office.  Craigslist became my friend and I bought cribs, changing table, toys, highchairs, etc.  Everything we had at home, we had at the office because I didn't want to haul everything everyday.  And since I was going to be getting a paycheck again, I decided why not?  Dad acted all surprised at this.  At one point he said, "I thought you would just bring some blankets and a play pin."  Seriously?? 

I didn't argue for more money, as he brought me back at what I left at, because I had the freedom to have the girls with me and I was hourly so I could really come and go as I pleased.  However, I came back as the accountant and running brother in laws check every week was like a needle pricking me in the same place every week..  After a while it gets pretty sore. 

So mom came to the office 4 days a week and my MIL one day a week to watch the girls while I worked.  I was only supposed to work part time, but I worked 35-40 hours a week because I knew full well what 'part time' meant to dad. 

This worked okay for a while, until mom's main purpose was to fix lunch and talk and shmoose with the crew and business people rather than watch the girls.  And MIL was no better.  Lunch was a fiasco.  Both of them would start cooking at the girls morning nap (10 am) and then they would serve the food and then clean up usually working until their afternoon nap (2:30 pm).  I always bring mine and the girls lunch, so it's not like we benefited from this.  And there were several times that I had to remind each of them that it was time for the girls to eat.  The girls would just be playing in their area all the while this was going on. 

Then, dad got sick again during a very critical time for the business.  And who do you think stepped up?  Brother in law with the big salary?  Or me, cinderella?  (haha)  You got it.  Me.  I was dealing with bankers.  I was dealing with creditors.  I was traveling back and forth from mom and dads house to the office.  I fought tooth and nail to pump life into this business.  Dad came back and he also fought tooth and nail.  Alas, in January, dad had to make some incredibly hard decisions. 

Since the end of January, we have been breaking down the company and liquidating everything.  A very painful and slow process. 

And that's all for today!  Not because I enjoy leaving you hanging, but because I have to put it all together in my head before I write about it and it takes some time to sift through all this crap.  :)