November 30, 2009


My life evolves everyday. I can say (today anyway) that there is no where else I would rather be than here at home taking care of my girls. As challenging as it is, I can't have anyone else taking over my job as mommy.
Jeff and I are very calculated, mathematical, systematic people and have had a hard time letting two un-calculated, un-mathematical, un-systematic babies rule our lives! It has been a hell of a transition for me and I am still transitioning. Hence, the evolution.
Every day, I learn something new. A new "trick" for my "bag of tricks." For instance, we have found that the babies do really well if I am the primary "food giver." (Forgive my over use of quotes) There must be different techniques from person to person... or they must realize that I am mommy and they trust me (that I will give them food)... or whatever reason. If I feed them all the time, (which consists of them sitting in their high chairs and me holding both bottles and when I burp one the other gets a suckie), then they fall asleep faster and they are more content. This means that I don't even have Jeff to help me. It means that I don't get a break...ever. BUT, I am okay with that because the babies are what matter right now.

Another thing that has helped tremendously with the over all contentment of the babies is switching to a soy formula. They were on a preemie formula that had 2 extra calories per cc. Well, it was so rich for them that they would only sleep for about 30 minutes before waking up SCREAMING with gas pains. It was awful. I took them to the doctor and the doctor said that the girls were "thriving" and didn't need to be on the preemie formula anymore. I wanted to switch to a soy based formula anyway, so I was happy that it's what the doctor recommended.
The holiday was hard. Everyone in my family was sick and Jeff and I were made to feel like assholes because we wouldn't let anyone hold the babies at Thanksgiving. YET, they are all on antibiotics and the girls are (knock on wood) not showing signs of being sick. We are the bastards though that are keeping the babies from everyone... Whatever. My family can kiss my ass. The bad thing is that it stressed Jeff and I out SO MUCH that the babies didn't sleep hardly at all the night before Thanksgiving.
On a brighter note, the girls are great. Like I said earlier, even as challenging as it is at times, there is nowhere else I would rather be. I love them more than life itself.
(Us with my 90 year old grandfather. These are his 11th and 12th great grandchildren)
(How I feed the girls... Except that they are big enough now that I put them in their high chair)

November 10, 2009

A Routine

Well, today is a better start than yesterday. I never thought that it would be so hard to take care of a baby. I knew it would be challenging. I knew there would be difficult times and I knew that I would really have to put my mind to it. I did not know that it would be day in and day out the most difficult thing I have ever done. Now, multiply by two.

I love the babies more than I can even say, but I am doubting my mothering skills. Everyone says that I am doing a good job, but I honestly don't think so. It is so hard to put into words what I am thinking... For the most part, I think "yeah, I can do this. Feed the babies, do some laundry, clean the house a bit. I CAN DO THIS." But then, when it takes over an hour to feed one of them because she threw up (not spit up... threw up her entire meal and I have to start over), or when both of them are screaming at the same time, or when one of them is 'stopped up' and has a tummy ache. These are the times that I want to run away screaming. These are the times that I want to go back to work and pay a babysitter to watch them.

The babies were in the NICU for 8 days. In that 8 days, the wonderful nurses got them on a schedule. A routine. They fed them every three hours. So, when we brought the babies home, it wasn't as big of a challenge as it could have been because they were already on a schedule. We kept the schedule and for the first week, I thought "this is not so bad. Eat, sleep, change diaper. Repeat." But then somewhere we started to go a little longer. We started to feed every 3 and a half or 4 hours and they babies are eating a little more. Well, this seems to be a very slippery surface. Now, we have all sorts of variables that are being thrown in the mix and in one swift motion the whole schedule can be thrown off. For example, one of them decides that 4 hours is too long to wait and starts screaming at 3 hours. The other one is dead asleep. I have to decide: Do I TRY to comfort the early waker and do nothing but rock and hold and put the pacifier back in her mouth every two seconds because she spits it out and starts crying and make her wait until the 4 hour mark. OR do I feed her and let the other one sleep. Get her comforted and put her back to bed and then feed the next one and then WHAM! the feeding schedule is now an hour off from baby to baby and suddenly, I have a half hour to an hour in between feeding either one baby or the other.

Anyway, that is one of the dilemmas that I am dealing with on a daily basis. It is almost essential that I have someone here helping me feed. So this morning, as I said, has been better. Hubby and I got up, got showered, ate, and fed the babies before he needed to be at work at 7. I guess that is pretty good. When I type it out, it sounds like we are kicking ass. My mom will be here for the next feeding. So, hopefully it will be a better day.

November 9, 2009

My First Post

In truth, I had hundreds of posts on a couple of blogs that I just deleted. I am starting a new chapter in my life that includes being a stay at home mommy to twin girls. The blogs I once kept contain a very sad and difficult time in my life and I am choosing to close that chapter (permanently) and move on.

So, cheers *clink* to a new chapter and a fresh start!

I will start by saying that this post is going to be very short. I have to go fix dinner and the girls are starting to wake up, so I had better get a move on. I hope that tomorrow (or sometime soon), I will feel like posting more.

November 1, 2009

A Work In Progress